Yesterday I had a nice drunken jam session. Didn’t record it. It was probably pretty awful anyways.
I still feel like I have a creative block. Both in audio and visual. I’ll get started on something, and after a little time on something, I just kill it. I don’t save it. It gets lost in the ether of my machine.
Like my website for example. I had a theme plotted and mostly designed. I wanted to do something based on the primitive elements. Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Spirit. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. It felt like it wasn’t the thing to do. Each page color scheme was going to be based off the color of the element I felt represented that element.
And there was going to be an audio collection to go with this. But it’s all dead now.
Now it just seems all I can really do for some sort of expression is to rant on this site. A site that no one reads. I am ok with this. Its been a long time that I have been running sites that gets no interest. It is all probably just a waste of money, time and effort.
i have a lot that I want to say. And its probably better that no one reads it. I’ll just piss someone off at some point. But to get it out there makes me feel better. I’ve spent too much time conforming to rational thought that I feel like I wasn’t myself.
I will keep trying to produce stuff. I know that is the best way to get out of a block.
Oh the ease of wordpress. Damn my ability to not be able to customize it how I would like.
I have never given up on what I love to do. No matter how shitty, how unliked it is, I will always create something. Struggling through a bit of a creative block at the moment, I will have something sooner or later.
I quit my job not too long ago. For about 6 months,I watched as my department went downhill. I tried to help fix problems, but they kept creating the same problems. I spoke with knowledge and experience and it fell on deaf ears. I could have saved lives (just fish, but still lives none the less) , but they had it under control. I should have been running the department and they give the position to inexperienced, easily stressed, and those who give misinformation. Yet, when a question was asked that wasn’t basic knowledge, who did the go to. Me. I got angry.
They had me as a stand in for the dept. manager. If I proved myself, I would have gotten it, they said. Then they hired a person who didn’t know nearly half of what I know, with a fraction of the experience of mine. I stopped caring.
My anger and lack of caring went away. I was just fed up. Finally, I get called into a meeting and suddenly everything I do is wrong. Things that I have done for a few years, is wrong. Ratted out by this new hire. It was a big deal that I didn’t greet him that day the same way he greeted me. I’m sorry that I only had two hours sleep that night. Fuck that, no I’m not sorry. I don’t know how long they were going to keep me in that meeting, but once they started to psycho-analyze me, I left. I was done with that shit. A line crossed that shouldn’t have been. You may have been my stores managers, but you aren’t my friends, not my psychiatrist, and not worthy of talking to me like that.
That place brought out the worst in me. I haven’t been like that since high school. For years I have tried to bring out only the best in myself. To be a better person. I know I am.